George turned 7 last monday,

January 18th and I've been wanting to write about him and his day all week but I was a single mom until last night while Fred was away at Sundance. The kids and I did well, all things considered, meaning that Fred and I have a real partnership managing things on the homefront and it's clearly not a one-person job. If I were a single mom, I don't know if I'd be able to crave out any room for writing. Just keeping up with daily life chores (packing lunches, laundry, finding my keys) while working and getting the kids down to bed every night (Fred's thing) took pretty much all of my life force. From Monday to Friday morning, I was feeling happy for Fred that he could be there and happy that the kids and I were doing well but by Friday afternoon when George's teacher called me to say that he was crying and she thought he had a stomach ache just when I had pulled up for my acupuncture appointment, I kind of snapped and wanted Fred home and just hung on, full of crabbiness and drank way too much wine Friday night.

I know there are a lot of single parents raising children with autism and my God, I salute them and I am grateful for my partnership with Fred. George has moments like that, his crying Friday at school, when he can't express the complexity of what he's feeling. It's so hard to be with and I so desparately hope that his verbal expression continues to grow this year. We need a breakthrough;

he is an incredible sweetie, my George, and smart and learning and really neurologically challenged, too. His 7-year-old birthday was lovely. My mom and dad were able to come in from out of town to visit and that made it for George. George has such a big love for them, especially a connection with my Dad. I said, "Pop-pop is coming soon, George" Saturday afternoon while we were waiting for them and George went right to the living room window and looked out and sat to wait for him. Sunday morning when George jumped into bed with my parents, my dad said,"We're going to celebrate your birthday today, George. You are 7 years old!" and George started singing "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to Georgie, Happy Birthday to you!" It was quite a moment for all of us...because George's verbal expression is so limited and it can be hard to know how much he understands

and it requires an ongoing faith and an ongoing expansion of my heart to stay present with George and to accompany him on his journey. I have a great appreciation of this opportunity which has awoken a degree of compassion in me that I never knew I had, which opens me up to ongoing wonder in the world. And at the same time, it is motherfucking hard work. In every way.

And I'm not going to write and detail all that here, not now anyway. Except to say that the last seven years of my life have been full of incredible moments of frustration, rage, hope, belief and profound love and connection with my little boy, who at seven stands tall and is not "little" anymore

and 7 feels significant, a Biblical number, the start of a new cycle and I think, where will be be in our journey in 7 years? Georgie, me, Fred, June, the four of us, connected, sharing and trading energy, teaching each other every day how to love and be present. Where will be in 7 years, Georgie? We can only get there taking one step at a time and I am here with you, honey, I am not phoning it in. This year, this last year of my life has taught me how to be here, Please forgive me for all of the fuck-ups that I have made trying to parent you in the best way. I know that I will make more, but I am trying.

We went with my parents to a restaurant that makes a great gluten free pizza and then we met Fred's family for a game of bowling and I brought along gf chocolate cupcakes. I planned a low key day but I know it was a day that George enjoyed.

My baby is 7 and my big girl is going to take her first ballet class soon and Fred had a fantastic time away at Sundance and was also really happy to come home and I learned that I could be a single mother if I had to but I most certainly did not want to and also I am going to keep making this space for me to create.

I didn't that the the year turning from 2009 to 2010

would affect me so much, but it did. Fred and I couldn't get a babysitter for New Year's Eve so we didn't make any big plans--just to hang out together, watch "The Pope of Greenwich Village" (we're on a Mickey Rourke kick) and drink a bottle of wine. I was so busy being with the kids every day during winter break that I didn't really make space to process that 2009--my cancer year--was about to pass. Then I got a flurry of emails from friends wishing me happy new year and asking if I was glad to see 2009 go.

The kids went to bed easily and I found myself in a tearful, hopeful place; the marking of the new year crept up on me but once I turned around and looked at it, I realized that it was a meaningful moment. This is an email I wrote New Years Eve and sent to friends:

Dear Friends,

here we are on the verge of a new decade & I wanted to send new year wishes and thank you for being part of my life duing the last year. I've tried to thank friends and family personally for being there for me as I went through cancer diagnosis & treatment but I know that I've missed doing that with many people and so if you were one of them, please forgive me and know that I am grateful to you for being a support to me.

Many of you have commented on how I went through the cancer experience staying positive. That's not exactly how I see it; I think that what I was able to do was stay present. I was able to face whatever feeling arose--fear, sadness, joy, anger--and create space to see it as just a feeling and in doing so, watch it leave me.

I have been a spiritual seeker for a long time but years of meditation, prayer and yoga could not teach me to be conscious of the present moment in the way that cancer did. I am not happy to have gone through illness but I am damn happy to have reaped that learning and to feel it manifest now, moment by moment, in my life.As 2009 is leaving us, I say good-bye to the suffering that I went through and I am in deep appreciation of the blessings that have sustained me and so please know that your love and friendship has been one of them.

I am moving forward with all of my dreams. Since writing The Creative Jewish Wedding Book in 2004, I have been helping friends to shape their wedding ceremonies. Now I am beginning to work with couples as a wedding officant. This work brings me incredible joy. I work with all kinds of couples--Jewish, interfaith, GLBT, whoever they are. I am also working with couples who would like to do a vow renewal ceremony. If you know people who might be looking for an officiant, will you share my new web site: http://www.createyourwedding.net/

I am wishing you love, faith and joy for 2010. Make your wishes known to the full blue moon tonight!

Lots of love,

Gabby


here I am 11 days into 2010 and I like this year and my plans and my new ability to be present and approach myself with more compassion. Today in fact was probably my worst day so far of 2010, I hit a pothole and blew out two tires, but you know, I did all right in not beating myself up so much about it and moving on with my day.

May 2010 bring peace, love, strength and compassion to you, to all of us.